What do I do? I can't just look at her and tell her how I feel because then I'll lose her. But, if I stay, there's a high chance my heart will be destroyed as well.
I love the fact that she's goal oriented. The fact that she can be so focused and so mature. But, how do I convince someone like this to work with me? We haven't been together that long either. How do I decide what I want for my life? Is it better to know that all the memories that I can create will be nothing but memories in a little over a year? Is it better to know when something will potentially end and act ignorant or is it better to cut it off before the pain can get too deep? I have no idea what to think or do.
With graduate school comes a future. A life and a name for herself. The connections and the responsibilities as well as the perks for herself to be well off. But, what do I say when she's already promised herself that no man will stop her? No matter how she feels about that person, she will focus and do whatever it takes. From how it sounds, even if it hurts the person. How do I compete with that? The better question is, should I even CONSIDER competing with that? As much as I, dare I say it, love her, which path of love do I take? Do I be simply supportive and hope that as she moves to her next level of education that she doesn't forget me? I've tried the long-distance relationship thing several times before and every single time it has blown up in my face. Or, do I play the selfish lover and ask her not to leave me? I already know I won't stop her because what kind of person would I be? It hurts being reminded though because there's no sugar coated way of explaining it. *sigh*
I've considered that if she goes anywhere too far away, say out of state, perhaps I could go there as well. However, that option will most likely die out just as fast as if I were to choose the long-distance relationship. With my back and having such a hard time looking for a job as it is, how in the world would I find a job in that situation with a time restraint as when she'll be going to whatever school she chooses? Not to mention the fact that I have yet to find a job that I can do that allows me to have enough money to support myself and allows me to have a place that I, myself, can call my own home.
I joined a dating site in hopes that for once in my life I could have something less frustrating. Something that wasn't so complicated it was going to be like enduring being pulled apart at the seams of my heart. However, this seems like it may possibly turn out that way as well. I met her just after a week joining the dating site. We had hit it off from the first time met. Ever since that night, I wanted to everything I could to ask her out. Sure enough, it worked. She asked me to be creative and I did. I see her basically every day. Not because I push my way, but she invites me and enjoys my company. It's so hard though sometimes. With her going to school, I want her to do the best she can. I want her to have the best GPA possible, I want her to achieve the highest she can in everything she does. If I have to be her most personal cheerleader, I will. But, I didn't realize that in a year and a half, I won't have her around me. That thought alone is one of the most depressive things I've ever had to deal with. If one of my friends were telling me something like this, I may consider them to be crazy. However, my parents moved in a week after knowing eachother and got married a week after they moved in. The positive for them was that both of them had jobs and a place to live.
I have fought most of my teen and young adult life trying so hard to be in a place where I can have as much individuality as possible without my health getting in the way. Whether it's a job that allows me to make money to be independently moved in somewhere or not needing assistance some mornings to even be able to get out of bed. Either way, I've never been able to find a job or a enough money to be an adult. I fear that the longer I live the deeper I get into this whole realizing that I can't afford to live on my own. The bigger problem is, that is one of the most demanning things I've ever thought of. The woman I end up marrying will essentially have to be prepared for the times that I have to have assistance to get out of bed in the morning. My damn back has put me in a position where my life may quite be going down the drain. Nobody knows what's wrong with it or exactly knows how to fix it. In the mean time, all I have left are the narcotics I take to be able to function basic tasks with the pain. I mean, what kind of lifestyle is it where I'm in so much pain I"m taking Morphine every 4 hours just to be able to walk from Point A to Point B. What kind of life do I have if I'm not high on the Narcotics, I"m on the ground wimpering in pain? Nobody should have to go through that.
Now, I know there are people out there that deal with worse and I"m sure things could be worse, but I've NEVER had the chance to be better. I have been poked, prodded, stabbed, cut open, surgically altered, and yet nothing has fixed this. My doctors are baffled as to what should be done about my case. And so, I just sit here with my life doing next to nothing because of my ailments. And, on top of that, the one woman I've met that may actually be a future I want to have and be with is quite possibly going to end up with me losing her through long-distance because I can't DO F***ing anything with myself. *facepalm* I don't even normally curse like that. But, at this point, what else is there to do? I don't even feel like a man. What AM I???
No comments:
Post a Comment