Life as I know it now. :)

So, I live in a n interesting situation. I’m 19 right now, about to be 20, and I live at home. Now, say what you will, but I don’t have any choice.

I have my back surgery replacing a disk in my back about 6 months ago. We were told by the doctor that by this time I was able to live a normal life again. I had spent two years with a cane, narcotics, and pain. After the surgery, I was able to walk without a cane. The pain was still there but the intensity before the surgery was always at an 8-9 out of 10. Now, it’s around a 2-3. It’s a lot more manageable than before. Even before the surgery, we had told the doctor of our plans to go on vacation and he said by then I would be fully back to normal and have nothing to worry about. We also explained we were doing the whole Disneyland and Knott’s Berry Farm thing. He said that we’d be good to go and by then I’d be fully healed.

So, I went on vacation. I rode all the roller coasters. I never got along to well with them before because I was afraid of them. During the course of my back issues, I realized that there’s nothing in life to be afraid of because of how God is ALWAYS going to be in control. So, I have a passion for the and still do as I write this.

I went to Knott’s Berry Farm the first day. By the end of that day, by back was a mess. I was in quite a bit of pain, almost to the point of where I was before the surgery. I ended up taking some pain medication from my time right after the surgery and hoped the next morning I would be better. The next day, we had plans to go to Disneyland. When I woke up, walking was even difficult. My back was sore, stiff, and throbbing all over the place. Now, I figured that it was going to be a while since I’d be back at Disneyland or have this opportunity so I went. We rented a wheelchair for me and for a little while, my brother pushed me around. That is, until I got the hang of rolling myself around. It was so much fun to go through some of the lines in a wheelchair and be moving around. I was hurting, but not having to walk and stand all day really helped the situation. Some of the rides even have you go through the exit, wait a few minutes, and then load you on. It was nice to have that option as well.

We got home about 6 days later. We had been on vacation for three weeks. Two in California and one on a cruise through the Mexican Riviera. After getting back, my pain has gone down a little bit but not by much. The pain medication I took for two years makes me sick the day I take it and the day after. Also, I found out that because of my limitations after surgery, I’m a liability for anyone who hires me. That means that I can’t get a job either.

So, I live at home, my family supports me, and I understand and accept the situation, but it’s difficult. The day before I left for vacation, I was diagnosed with Hyperthyroidism. I can’t gain weight or have a hard time keeping it, insomnia, ect. I’ve been dealing with all of those things a good portion of my teen years as well. So, basically I’m a messed up case of screwed.

Here’s the good news. I am looking at ways of making money on my blog. It’s giving me time to research more on Theology as well as video editing software and other various skills that may potentially help me in the future. I won’t go as far as saying that it’s not giving me a LOT of free time. There’s a lot of attempting to sleep, not feeling good, and just living in a large family that I get to work with. There isn’t really anything I can do to contribute a lot to the family because of my physical limitations. I can’t lift much, especially with how my back is now, and my hours are just irregular a lot of days because of the insomnia and sickness.

One positive thing, I’ve been in this situation for years and been through more pain and hell in that sense than a lot of people I know. But I can say that not ONCE has depression, feeling sorry for myself, or anything negative EVER gotten me down. I may have these issues and they make my life hard, but they haven’t killed me yet so I must be doing something right. J

Thoughts on Obesity

I was at the Rec Center today and I noticed something. This woman wasn't fat, she was quite obese. In fact, lately, I've noticed quite a bit lately that what's considered "overweight" isn't the norm anymore. Obesity is an obvious issue that American society today seems to be plagued with and struggle with. I'm not going to blame it on McDonalds, Burger King, or any other fast food joint that exists. In all honesty, it isn't their fault.

But, what I have noticed is that people just kind of give up. There are people who will start to gain weight and they find ways to change their diet or their living habits and fix themselves. But, less and less do people actually do that. In fact, just look at the different groups that talk about obesity today. You see that people want to blame food manufacturing companies, fast food businesses, and even places that make organic food perhaps more expensive than the unhealthy crap. We’re so quick to point the finger at other people that we don’t want to blame ourselves.

Here’s the other sad part, when people do get to that place of realizing perhaps it is their fault that they are now living that way or are obese, they just ultimately give up. They don’t want to do anything much to change it. I’m not saying they may not try, but not often will they do the research, find out HOW to do it, and then follow through. Yes, it is a hard and painful process to go through, but you feel and live so much better than you did before you became that way.

Now, my opinion may not be seen as a big deal because of my weight. I’m 6’ 2” and weight between 138-140 LBS. Not by choice, just so you know. I was recently diagnosed with Hyperthyroidism. Symptoms include weight loss or lack of gaining, insomnia, and a few other things. It’s frustrating because I’ve always been underweight to match my height. It’s actually worse now with my metabolism and appetite going down. But, I will say that I can still notice things.

My parents went on the REAL HCG diet and lost weight and look amazing. If you asked them how it was, they aren’t going to say it was fun or enjoyable at all. In fact, they’ll probably say something to the extent of it was a severe hardship. However, they will also tell you that it was one of the most rewarding things they’ve done. They have more energy, they look better, and they just generally feel better. Not many people seem to have that nowadays.

I’m not here to say how wrong people are for allowing themselves to gain too much weight or anything like that. However, it’s sad that people get into that kind of rut. The rut where they have to get out is REALLY difficult. I’m actually on the other side of the scale (No pun intended) where I have to find ways to gain and keep weight on my body. Otherwise, I can get extremely sick and actually have the same kind of possible health issues as the people who are overweight. It’s REALLY hard to do too.

If you’re reading this and you’re one of those people who’s dealing with either side of the situation, know this. Not only are you not the only one, but find a way to motivate yourself. Don’t focus on what you are now and how hard it’s going to be. You need to realize what you’re going to be at the end. What you’re going to be able to accomplish and what you’ll have come out of. You’ll have done something that not very many people can do. Realize that as you go through the pain and the hardship, you know it’s going to be a breakthrough that’s going to equal out the pain and suffering.

Confession

The title of this kind of gives a weird thought to what I’m about to write. It isn’t necessarily that I did anything like kill someone and not tell anyone. It’s more of to get some things out in the open. I’ve realized that there are times that just simply writing things out is both relaxing and healthy for me. It’s also part of the reason why I run four blogs of different genres.

Over the last year a lot of things have happened to me. From dramatic events in my life to relationships both platonic and romantically, it’s been quite a ride. I may not have gone through some of the things that others have gone through in their life. If you’re one of those people reading this, congratulations for still being alive long enough to read this. But, understand that everyone has different levels of patience, understanding, and strength for different situations. A strength in my life may be a weakness in yours.

Around December 2009, I met someone who was going to be a rather unusual influence for a brief time in my life. Her name was Royalynne Miller. We called her Rose because it was both her middle name and it was easier to say than the mouthful that was Royalynne. Rose and I were best friends for a while. We both wrote on my religious blog and talked quite frequently. Rose was quite literally the first best friend I’ve really ever had. We had some interesting things in common. We had actually met through the online high school that we both attended, and we both realized we were taking the same senior English class.

Over the time that we were friends, we talked about all sorts of things. But, the only thing that made our friendship different was that we had never met before. I lived in Southern Idaho and she lived 8 hours up North. One day I find out that my adopted sister at the time was taking a trip to a city up north that was about 2 hours away from where Rose lived. After making some phone calls and working out logistics, I was going to spend a weekend up in Northern Idaho with my best friend for the first time.

I stayed at the house of a friend of theirs. She was a nice woman named Mae. She went to Rose’s church and was more than willing to put me up for the weekend. During that weekend, I met Rose’s family, friends, and church. During my time there, Rose and I spent a lot of time together talking and getting to know each other better than you could through the internet. We bonded quite well during those few days.

The night before I left, she and I were talking about her relationship with her current boyfriend. She told me that things weren’t working and that something had to change. She was frustrated with the difference and personality and she didn’t know if she should leave him because there was a possibility that she might not meet anyone else. So, I was honest with her and told her that if she had “requirements” for the guy that she was going to spend the rest of her life with, she should make a list.

I, myself, had made three lists. “Necessities,” “Wants,” and “Do Withouts.” So, I told her that it was something she needed to do. If her current boyfriend didn’t fit that list, she needed to end the relationship. So, the morning that I was leaving for home, she told me that she was up most of the night making this list. She thanked me for talking to her and that she’d miss me. I’m also man enough to admit that we both cried a little bit. But, we both knew that we’d see each other again.

About a month later, I bought a plane ticket and watched her graduate and took her younger sister, my adopted sister, to prom. From the time that I left the first time, to the time that I went back, she had broken up with her boyfriend and then gotten back together. At this point, however, I had started to have feelings for her. Seeing her with her boyfriend made things difficult in my own emotions, but I was determined to be her best friend first. So, I committed to that position. At this point, I also thought it was wrong to let her know how I felt. The night before her graduation, her sister and her sister’s boyfriend walked with Rose and I to their church two doors down and set up for Rose’s graduation party the next day. While there, Rose and I did a completely random photo shoot. We did pictures of us jumping, running, and anything else random we could do.

Two days later, Rose and her grandparents drove me to the airport. We took random pictures while we were in the car and just talked about how much fun we both had. When we got to the airport, she and I walked up and down the length of the airport talking about how we were going to miss each other. When my flight was getting closer, she walked me up to security as far as she could go. I gave her a hug and then she turned and started to walk away. She took two steps and turned around, running at me with tears coming down her face. She didn’t want me to leave and she wouldn’t let go. It took everything within me to hold myself together. I told her that in two weeks, I’d have some time off from work and that she was to come and visit me this time. I made her promise that it would happen. She looked at me and promised, then walked away with her grandparents.

As I walked through security, I couldn’t hold back any longer and I started to cry silently. I was wearing a Christian shirt while putting my carry on and shoes into the bin and there was a security officer watching me. He walked up to me and said something that I’ll never forget. He said, “Brandon, He says you will see her again.” When this guy said that, I didn’t know what to say. Where the ramp was to this security checkpoint, he wasn’t able to see us AND there was no way he knew my name. When he said what “He” to me, I knew exactly who this man was referring to.

When I got home that evening, I had been talking to her younger sister. She told me that she knew that I had feelings for her sister. I had written a letter to Rose telling her how I felt and everything else that I felt when I saw her with her boyfriend and how I got along with everyone that I met. Her sister urged me to sent it to Rose. So, I did. It turned out that Rose had the same kind of feelings for me. But, she didn’t know if she should act on them or not.

Two weeks later, Rose flew to my city and stayed for a weekend. During that time, we bonded further. My family got along with her and so did my friends from church. One afternoon, we went to a barbecue that some older friends of mine were doing. They were having their kids and grandkids come over for the afternoon as a kind of family reunion. This couple in particular saw me as family and invited Rose and I. So, Rose and I went. After people had eaten, things got quiet. Rose and I ended up going on a walk with a few of the people. While we were walking, Rose took my hand and held it while we walked.

Later that night, Rose told me how much she wanted to be with me and that she hadn’t ended things with her boyfriend. I was confused and didn’t know what to do. I’d never been in this kind of position before. I made sure she understood that whatever happened was ultimately her decision. So, her plan was to go home, break up with her boyfriend, and then be in a relationship with me.

The next day, we went out to an early lunch with my mom and then took her to the airport. While we were at lunch, she had gotten a phone call saying her flight was delayed by about 30 minutes. So, we took a little while longer. Turned out that the call was more of a possibility and when we got her to the airport, she missed her flight. So, we put her on a later flight and went to the mall until she had to leave.

While at the mall, I bought her some See’s candy for her and her family. Then, as we walked around, I took her to Build-A-Bear workshop and made her a bear with a personalized message. She had her choice of clothing and naming it. So, she dressed it up like me and named him Jacen Christian. Jacen Christian was the name that I had picked out for my first son. She knew that when she chose the name.

After she had gotten home and spent some time with her family, she ended things with her boyfriend. He was broken up by this. He had all of us not talk for a week, pray and read our bibles, and then he and Rose were to meet after that week and see if Rose had changed her mind. Well, she didn’t. So, her family seemed to step in. They didn’t ‘hate’ me, but they didn’t approve of me either. It basically went something like, “It’s your decision. But, if we were to decide, we would have you wait.”

So, Rose decided to take a year without any kind of relationship and spent a month during the summer at a church camp to connect better with God with a clear head. When that month ended, she called me and we talked about it. She told me that everyone she talked to at camp told her never to speak to me again and she knew that was wrong. But, she did strip me of my best friend status. I was brought all the way down to an acquaintance. It was one of the most painful things that has ever happened to me and there are times when I think to that event, and I can’t help but hurt.

Catching Up

So, there have been many things that have happened to me since my last entry.

The first thing to start everything off is I haven't worked at the library for a few months now. The reason for that is ultimately my back's medical issues. The disk in my lower back has been having issues for years but now it's finally been enough of a problem to even keep me from working as I was at the library. Thankfully, the Director of the library has given me the opportunity to get back to full health and then work with him about what job position I can change to and work with the library.

The disk in my lower back was replaced on December 30th, 2010. My neurosurgeon went in and replaced the entire L5-S1 disk with a plastic replacement. That was followed by a fusion of the surrounding bone so that when I move from now on, I'm not going to strip any of the four screws that are now in my back holding that plastic replacement in place. Unfortunately, there are a few handicaps I'll have for the rest of my life because of this. The reason for putting in a plastic replacement disk instead of a cadaver is because of how young I am. There are many issues that could have occurred if they decided to put in a cadaver (a skeleton's disk). Because of it being a plastic disk, if I lift more than 38 pounds at any point in the rest of my life, I break my back and shatter the plastic disk. Another problem with my age is that there's a high chance I'll need this surgery again for the disk above what was just replaced in my back as well. So, I'm handicapped because of this.

A positive note within this whole medical ordeal I've been dealing with for two years is that I met this amazing woman. Heather and I knew each other on and off for about a year and then about mid-2010, things just happened to click and we were talking all the time. We both talked about having feelings for the other and on November 14, we got together with our parents and started our relationship. Before that happened, Heather was fully aware of my health issues in my back, the side effects of the surgery, and knew that it wasn't going to be an easy life at all to be with me. However, after thinking it over and knowing all of this, she wanted to be with me anyways. She's kept me in line on a few areas I was lacking in and I'm amazed at her love for life. For someone who has their whole life available to them to whatever they want and want to be with someone who can't life more than 38 pounds for the rest of their life, will have the same issue again later down the road, and wants to be with that person anyways, that speaks volumes to me. She and her parents are truly a blessing in my life. I'm very thankful for all of them.


Now, the latest thing that's going on.

Mid-December, there was an article in the local paper (Idaho Press Tribune) asking for people to be part of the 2011 editorial board. Basically, having influence on the editorials written for the paper as well as giving opinions on other various local issues, topics, and whatever else goes on that would effect the community. In fact, the requirements spoke to me. From asking to be opinionated to being able to talk about hot topic issues without killing the people that you're talking about it with, I knew I wanted to do what I could to become a part of it. Not to mention, a resume that has that on there wouldn't be too bad either. So, this last Thursday was our first official meeting and tomorrow, the four other board members and myself, will be introduced to the public in the editorial section as being the 2011 Editorial Board for the Idaho Press Tribune.

One last thing.

In April, I'm leaving the country for a cruise with my parents and my younger brother. My parents decided since this year was the last year before I would be getting into more college schooling as well as seminary, they wanted to do a special vacation for my brother and I. My parents went on a cruise to the Mexican Riviera last year through Princess Cruiseline and loved it. So, they're going to take us this year. Hopefully, my body will be back to normal by then and I'll be able to fully enjoy the trip. We'll see what happens.